September 8, 2015
Dogs on this planet are for the most part indigenous to Earth, but what you might not know about are the nearly innumerable alien dogs in existence that aren’t actually dogs at all. I’m talking about the alien dogs that look like dogs, but are in fact anything but dogs on the inside, those rare aliens that can speak English or even kill us. Here’s a little guide to help you figure out which alien dogs to be on the lookout for whenever you’re wandering the streets.
1. The Dog-Thing
It looks like a normal snow dog, right? The kind the Eskimos, Antarctic explorers or Cuba Gooding, Jr. might rely on for transportation. But you’d be wrong, fatally so should you decide to let it lick your face. This dog isn’t a friend, but a deadly foe that comes from an unknown planet likely millions of miles away. This dog is what’s known as a Thing, and it looks more like this when it’s got enough privacy:
The Thing is an alien that can imitate any creature it absorbs or infects. If a single living cell of The Thing comes into contact with your skin, you’ll turn into a Thing on a molecular level as the cells eat yours and replace them with a perfect imitation. If you’re in a room alone with a Thing, it won’t even try to infect you stealthily, simply eating you whole until it divides and replaces you with a perfect imposter that has your memories, personality and appearance, plus an added desire to infect everything.
This dog and its spawn managed to infect and eviscerate nearly an entire crew of American Antarctic geological researchers in 1982. If you see a dog running away from a helicopter full of people trying to shoot it, you should probably just turn your back to it and run.
2. Frank the Pug
Unlike the dog-Thing, Frank is an alien that means no harm. In fact, Frank is part of a rather friendly race of alien dogs that want to make peace with other species. Frank specifically works for an organization called the Men in Black, which is responsible for managing human-alien relations on Earth and throughout the galaxy.
It’s unknown what Frank and his brethren look like beneath their pug exterior, but perhaps all pugs are part of his species and simply don’t talk to us to keep us from panicking. Frank sounds a bit like Danny DeVito and speaks perfect English when speaking with Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones and other aliens, but it’s also unknown if the rest of his race sounds similar, or if they have a language that’s different.
If you see Frank or any other pug, you’re probably fine to engage with them. If anything, they may help you survive an attack by an evil alien dog.
3. Body Snatcher Dog
This is another dog to be wary of whenever encountered. Like the dog-Thing, you may not know that you’re in the midst of a Body Snatcher Dog, unless you encounter a mishap like the one pictured, which occurred in 1978.
Body Snatchers kill and replace life forms on other planets by using a spore that takes your DNA while you sleep and kills you in order to replace you with a replication spawned from a plantlike pod. The first disaster involving Body Snatchers occurred in 1956, during which the entire planet was almost taken over. Most people don’t know that this happened and don’t remember it for some reason, outside of the movie that was based on the incident.
The second incident occurred in 1978 and, again, almost everyone in the world was turned into Body Snatchers. During that incident, a hobo and his dog were in the process of being turned, but because of a damaged pod, the DNA became confused and a dog with a human face came out instead. Donald Sutherland was quite shocked when he came across it. If the body snatching process had succeeded, both a hobo and a normal-looking dog would have been there instead. So just be careful not to fall asleep beside a dog until you trust it completely.
If you want advice about what you should do when confronted with these or other types of alien dogs, contact us today with any questions.